By: Branden Murphy (Originally posted as Branden's Facebook Status)
Is God good when he takes your child from you on Thanksgiving?!
I've believed in God all my life. I didn't live for Him all my life, but I certainly believed in him. During my freshman year of college, Jesus snatched up the affections of my heart and I began to truly live for him. I gave up music, sex, all that stuff. My roommates couldn't believe it.
The beginning of this journey was full of highs while discovering more about God, learning how to read the Bible and apply it to my life. I found joy in admitting my flaws and no longer feeling the need to be this "certain"'person in front of multiple groups. I was free to be me, who God made me. I even changed my facebook name to Branden "WalksbyFaith" Murphy so people knew it was legit 😉. There was something about finally feeling like I found "my thing." Also, the idea of discipleship and helping other people follow Christ, I was ALL IN.
Ironically, I may have set myself up because the years following were flooded with moments where I had to choose faith or worry. Whether it was money being low, to trying to go to a missions trip, to trying to get in-state tuition at FAMU. It was hard and a lot of times, it didn't get easier.
I didn't graduate from FAMU. My prayers to get in-state tuition kept being rejected. Instead, I went to do what I thought I was called to do all my life, full time campus ministry as a missionary. I figured, well since I'm choosing the path God chose, surely it will work out.
My wife and I got married the Summer of 2011 and we were pregnant with our son by spring of 2012. I knew we were growing a family but I was still trying to pursue what God had for us. We went to the school of ministry in 2013, but we just did not make it throughout the raising support journey. It was hard on a lot of fronts and it ultimately was hurting our family health and spiritual health. Why would following God's path end up leaving us worse off?! Even relationships with the leaders I respected were truly hurt during that time. I could not wrap my head around what was happening. I left school to work for the Lord and then that ended up doing more harm than good. I was borderline depressed and confused trying to figure out what to do next.
Fast forward to 2014, we move to Texas pregnant with our little girl on the way and I get a job making the most money I've ever made! But somehow, in that year we faced more financial hardship than one would like to deal with. Again, Lord, if you provided this job, WHY IS LIFE SO HARD! I've done financial peace twice, read books and all but I've struggled to apply every principle.
I remember when I was little and there were times our hot water got turned off in the winter, electricity got turned off, 4 of us sleeping in a one room apartment, car getting repossessed, not being able to go to things because of "money." I HATED MONEY. However, my parents NEVER stopped trusting in God, NEVER stopped praising him. I would get SO MAD.
"Mom, our lights just got shut off, why are you praising God?! Why is he doing this to us? You guys do everything in the church and this is what you get?!"
Something wasn't connecting for me. Also, the fact that they displayed joy amidst terrible moments, actually made me more mad.
Fast forward to 2016, easily the hardest year for us as a family. Constantly praying for a "break" or some type of relief as it just felt like everything was crashing in on us (and I'm not even talking about the pregnancy). We were struggling getting Court's business flowing and finding ways to pay for the kids to go to school, not communicating with each other well, it was just HARD. Oh yeah and from Feb til June we were living with a family from the church we had recently started going to. (Thankful for them but still not ideal)
Thennn Courtnee gets pregnant. At week 7, Court called me to the bathroom screaming and scared. We thought we just lost our baby. Turned out to be a blood clot. That clot turned out to be a subcnrionic hemorrhage. That hemorrhage turned out to be a huge blood clot on her uterus. Courtnee was JUST about to get a job annnd she had booked 4 weddings for the fall!! We were finally seeing light at the end of this dark dark tunnel.
Then, the doctors told her she cannot get a job and has to cancel the weddings (meaning we have to give people their money back or pay for replacements) for the safety of the baby. "LORD WHAT THE HECK!!! We ARE TRYING!!" I think we both said this many times during this season. It felt like no matter how hard we tried to "get it together," the more things fell apart.
Constantly trying to figure out how to keep Court on bedrest and afford life, I talked about getting another job OR maybe working overtime A LOT. Both would be sacrifices, but something had to give. We want family to be a top priority, but this seemed like it would crush that dynamic.
My birthday was approaching in September and my wife just wanted to give me a BREAK. I had been working overtime and it just felt like it was going nowhere. Actually, our lights got shut off, we ended up asking the church for help and it was not looking to get easier. She coordinated an expense free trip to Austin so I could hang with some of my best friends at least. The first night there her water broke at 26wks. "What the hell, Lord, seriously?!"
FIVE WEEKS my wife was stuck in Austin and I tried to be there and bring the kids there as much as possible. This 5 weeks felt sooo long but we finally were able to get Courtnee to Dallas on week 31, Yes! Let's get to 34weeks and have our precious Eden. Sure, we knew her heart looked a little bigger and they thought she might need stomach surgery but nothing too big.....
On the 4th day back in Dallas, October 27, my wife texts me and calls me from the hospital saying she's having an emergency c-section. I get there and everyone is shook. I didn't know what was going on but it didn't look good. Eden was born not breathing and had to be brought back to life. We fought we fought and had some ups and we looked negativity in the face and said "NOT TODAY SATAN, NOT TODAY!"
Then, Thanksgiving.....bittersweet because our baby girl wasn't having the best day, but sweet because we were going to hang with our kiddos and get some greens, beans, potatoes, tomatoes, ham and yams.
We got to the house and before we ate, Courtnee called the hospital to check on our sweet girl. Turns out her heart rate dropped and they didn't have the decency to call us!!! Our daughter died minutes after we were near her bedside. On freaking thanks freaking giving.
In the beginning, I questioned the goodness of God. I believe in God but this year during a leadership course at my church (Stonegate Church), my eyes were opened to a crucial flaw in my view of God. I realized that while I believe in God, I struggle to believe in his GOODNESS. I struggle to believe that God is for me like the scriptures say. Because a lot of times in my life when I've looked to him to be good to my family, it feels like I receive the opposite. And it hurts. Every. Time. Every time I muster faith to believe in the impossible and it doesn't happen, it hurts. All these years it's made me calloused towards the idea of his goodness.
But one thing the leadership at Stonegate helped me realize was that God's goodness isn't based on what he does or doesn't do for me. It's who he is. It's his character and nature. It's him knowing sin would be in this world and sending his son, Jesus. It's him allowing trials that force us to run harder to him and be made more like him. It's him having a plan for all lives of believers that's bigger than what we can see and serving of his Glory.
I can't say that this area of my life is fixed. But I can say, I will not allow myself to believe that God is not good simply because life is hard. If you wrestle with this idea, you're not alone. In trials, God is a GOOD FATHER. And as I will allow my son to endure things that help chisel him into a man, I will believe that God is molding my family into people that will run this race well.
“The only love that won’t disappoint you is one that can’t change, that can’t be lost, that is not based on the ups and downs of life or of how well you live. It is something that not even death can take away from you. God’s love is the only thing like that.” -Tim Keller
Branden and Courtnee Murphy currently live in Midlothian, TX. The Murphys have been married 5 years and they have 2 children and recently lost one. They attend Stonegate Church where they serve the college students.